I’m missing my daughters at the moment.
I think their life has turned out for the best. After everything that happened between me and their mother. But I wonder…
What if I would have stayed married? What I would have had a bigger influence in their lives? What if I would have lived closer? What if I wasn’t an addict, didn’t have bipolar?
I can’t change anything. I just want to be a better father that I have been for the last 14 years. I’m trying. I try. Every day.
Play this song
I’ve been trying to play this song. I put it on facebook a couple years ago. This tune, the words, what it’s about, who it’s f0r. It means a lot to me. So much.
When I was my daughters’ ages (17 & 20) I really don’t remember what my relationship with my own parents was about. I don’t think it was that important. Especially when I was 20, getting ready for the world after college.
There’s so much I wish had gone down a different way between me and my daughters. Over these years that have passed so quickly. Yes, there were definitely some good times. But there’s a lot I’d soon forget. If I could.
What sticks out
What sticks out is when I was living with my ex-girlfriend and she was out of town for some reason. My kids were over for the weekend. It was around dinner time, and my man messaged me to tell me it was good.
I told my daughters I’d be right back, that I was leaving for pizza. Yeah I ordered a pie but more importantly, for me, I was going to pick up $200 worth of crack first.
Before leaving my apartment I made sure my oldest, Emma, had me cell number if they needed me for any reason. Emma was 12. Abby was 9. I left them alone in an unsafe neighborhood without a worry.
I drove down to the city, about 15 minutes away, to get my drugs. The man wasn’t walking up and down the street like he usually was. So I waited. And waited.
Finally he showed down the block and we made good. But then, of course, I had to fire up a rock before going anywhere.
On my way to the pizza place Emma called me and asked where I was.
“Oh honey, I’ve been waiting for the pizza this whole time! Unbelievable timing, a ton of people in the store!”
“Me and Abby were just worried, Dad. You’ve been gone almost an hour and a half! We’ve watched almost four episodes of Friends!”
“Be back really soon, sweetheart!”
I motored back to my apartment. My girls were ok. I had the food. Everyone was happy.
If my kids were happy or not I’ll never know. They ate, and we colored for a while. Then bed. Then more crack.
I was on a path that would pull me asunder many years later. My daughters had no idea. Good for them.