Whatever it is you tell yourself you won’t do to get high, you’re pretty much making a list of everything you will do as soon as your inner addict tells you to.
I mean, that bitch wants to kill me.
– NA meeting member, The Wire
Ahh that inner addict. It sure is a bitch. I tell myself again and again how grateful I am to be off drugs, finally. I’ll be clean for 27 months in a few days! How lucky I am to be alive and I never want to go back to living the high life with those on the bottom.
Tempted to use
The temptations are out there. For damn sure. My neighbor smokes meth in his fenced-in, private yard and blows the smoke through the basement window leading to my room. Brings back a ton of bad memories smelling those chemicals. But good memories, too, I guess. Being so high and forgetting everything and everyone around me. Lying, cheating, stealing to maintain the “goodness.”
And I just finished the book “Teenage Degenerate” by S.C. Sterling on my kindle in which the author writes about his days of smoking and dealing meth, his crazed addiction, the horrors he endured. So I keep reading about all the negatives that are inherent in addiction, but I still smell the escape that’s available from both this messed-up world and the mixed-up people we encounter every day.
Temptation? For. Damn. Sure.
One fix away from death
For someone who doesn’t have the allure of addiction, who just can’t comprehend that you’re one fix away from death, well…good for you. Your life is that much easier and less complex.
You’re welcome to say your peace, but keep your damn opinions about my problems to yourself. Please. No shoe dropping.
I am a perfectionist, like so many addicts are, and my answer to the problem of not meeting that goal is usually to just not try.
I am putting this out there because I need all the accountability I can get. I know that if I can stay clean and sober, one day at a time, I can do ANYTHING. Just. For. Today.
So, this is me, getting out of the problem and into the solution.
I’m grateful for the cyber #recoveryposse and #xa. I’m grateful for the Recovering Rockstar in my life both IRL and online.
I’m grateful for my life today. I’m really quite content in most every area of my life. So much so, that it can be difficult to not expect “the other shoe to drop”.”
– abbie_grrl, www.abbieinwondrland.wordpress.com
Grateful. Me, too. Probably my last chance to experience the true wonders of this world, share a life with my daughters. I’m doing everything possible, every damn day, to ensure that shoe does not drop.
I don’t take anything for granted. Not anymore.